Saturday, October 30, 2010

A very late update

I wrote this on my wedding anniversary, my computer was not working so I never posted it. But, here it is, only a couple weeks late!

5 years ago today I married the man of my dreams. It was a beautiful wedding, with 16 little bridesmaids, my two best friends and my future sister in laws. The weather was perfect, and although there was a little mess up with the sound system, it was perfect. But why oh why did my dad preach about hardship? About this invisible war that we are in? I didn’t think much about it then…

We had such a wonderful ‘dating’ time, getting to know each other was so much fun. Life was so exciting, and I couldn’t wait to start my new life as a married woman… if only I would have known! Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my husband! I LOVE being married to him and he is the ONLY one for me. The craziness has come from our circumstances, which we have absolutely no control over. And we’re learning to deal well in the midst of those circumstances.

From day three of our marriage, the battle began and hit hard. Yes it’s slowed down this past year but now we deal with all the hurt and brokenness, and that’s no fun! I’m doing a Beth Moore Bible study and we were learning about fire and gold. When it’s first put into the fire it looks like a piece of charcoal, after all the outside stuff burns off, it looks beautiful! But if it’s left longer something else starts happening, what’s inside the gold, the impurities start coming out! I know this is what’s happened to me! And no, it’s not fun to live with me when my impurities are at the surface.

Brian has been my best friend, at times my worst enemy. I have admired him and been ashamed of him. Some days I feel like I could not love him more, and other days like I can’t love him! He has been a shoulder to lean on, and at times that’s all I get! I could go on and on with this. But you get the picture! Sometimes I wish our circumstances could have been a little more normal. I see couples that haven’t been through ANYTHING and I envy them. But at the same time, maybe we are getting over the worst to be able to enjoy what’s next more fully… Hmmm, I sure hope so!

In 5 years we survived a hurricane on our honeymoon, cared for 16 little girls with scarlet fever while my parents were away, lived 9 months in the mountains with me being on the verge of throwing up from being so car sick, started two adoptions, got our hearts broken right away with the first one. Got pregnant and very, very sick, as in couldn’t even hold water down! Traveled to a different country to give birth to my two 1 ½ pound babies. Fought against death itself for 3 months, spent the next year with no sleep, the year after that trying to figure what the heck had just happened and grieving for all that I had lost, at the same time feeling guilty for not just celebrating everything that we have. This past year has been about healing, accepting the things that cannot be changed, making new friends, learning how to fit in this culture, missing my home and everything that comes with it. Learning to be joyful always, and realizing that sometimes our hearts will always be a little broken. It’s okay to be sad, even when in the presence of the purest joy.

I see pictures of our wedding day and I am shocked at how young, joyful and beautiful we were! It’s amazing what 5 crazy years can do to you. But I pray that this is just the effect of what’s surfacing and that in the next 5 years we will gain some of that beauty from our youth, from our previous less complicated life. It’s been a hard run, but it’s been a good one. God is good, always. His purposes are eternal and he is molding us in His image, how incredibly humbling is that!