Tuesday, August 18, 2015

4 year anniversary of Levi's airway reconstructive surgery

Today is the 4 year anniversary of Levi having his airway reconstructive surgery. I have this app called Timehop, it sends me notifications of what I posted on social media on the same day of years past. So this month I’ve been getting little reminders of the emotions and feelings I was going through in those days. Last night I was quizzing Brian and the boys to see what they remembered about that day and season in general. Thankfully, Levi doesn’t remember anything! I remember they told me that some of the anesthesia that they used caused amnesia. So most likely he wouldn’t remember what went on. Surprisingly, Brian doesn’t remember either! Like anything… Once I started telling him, he sorta could… But most of the details he doesn’t remember at all. Jesse remembers what he ate on that day of the surgery, who he played with, prizes he got, people he was with, things he learned. I remember telling everyone that was helping us with him to not worry about correcting him, that spoiling him was just fine… Me? I remember it all. And it still makes me a little lightheaded and gives me the feeling of being out of breath. We had waited so long for this surgery, his whole life! He had prayed earnestly and fervently for healing, for God to miraculously intervene and make his airway whole, new. 
Some dear friends had gone through this surgery with their little boy and were ‘preparing’ us as much as they could and kinda let us know what to expect. Well, like most things in Levi and Jesse’s lives, nothing went as expected! 
The 5-6 hour surgery went very well, we had our people, you all praying! We felt it, we thanked God for it. I remember the people who sat with us in the waiting room, the messages we got throughout the day that encouraged us. The mini-meltdowns that I felt was entitled to… When surgery was over… well, nothing could have prepared me for the days that were ahead of us. 
I was expecting to find my baby sedated, yes with tubes and wires all over but sleeping peacefully. Instead I entered a horror scene. Too many Doctors, nurses and respiratory therapist all around him and messing with him, a bright huge light right over his bed and worst of all, my baby boy terrified, confused, in pain and unconsolable. Thank God for a dear friend that helped me through not passing out. All I wanted to do was close my eyes and be done with it all. But then there is that strength that takes over, unexplainable, supernatural power that takes over your body and autopilot kicks in. Thank God for HIs grace!  This was the beginning of yet another long road ahead of us. A different one. At times I couldn’t see light at the end of the tunnel. 

Before the surgery, Levi was so exited that he was going to be able to swim like Nemo. so after surgery we would remind him that soon, very soon he was going to be able to swimming. It would brake my heart that that was no longer a comfort to him. He didn’t care about swimming! In fact, nothing in the world was worth the price that he was having to pay. In his mind that is. God so clearly spoke to me how that is His heart towards us. See, I knew what the end result was going to be, I knew that the pain and discomfort were only temporary and that his whole life was going to change for the better. Not only was he going to be able to play in water, but every second of his life was not going to depend on a little trache accidentally coming out. It was what we had to go through to enjoy what we have now. And it was worth it… of course it was! But just like Levi, at that moment couldn’t imagine how it could be worth it, thats how I so often feel when going through struggles. And I can’t help but picture my Heavenly Father reminding me of His truth and all the glory that will come… If we’d given Levi the option, he would have chosen to not feel anymore pain and keep the trache. In fact, he told us this! So thank you Lord for not asking me what I want, but giving me what you know I need…